Want Your Website to Suck? Follow These 7 Steps
Note: This post was written in 2013, updated in 2017. My ADD stopped me from publishing it, but I felt it was worth putting it out on the web.
1. Avoid White Space Like The Plague.
Those ‘geniuses’ over at Apple couldn’t be more wrong. Someone should have told Steve Jobs that his website was too clean, and neatly organized. The first step to a horrible website – cram as much stuff as possible into a limited space.
2. Use Every Photoshop Trick You Know.
If you know how to blend edges, change colors, add drop-shadows, overlay patterns, and outline layers why shouldn’t you use them as often as possible!? Whoever said too much of a good thing can be bad, clearly has never seen your website. You know how to do all these cool things, and the whole world should know.
3. Fonts – The More The Merrier.
Why stick with one or two fonts when you’ve got this huge library at your disposal? If you don’t change fonts like you change your underwear, how will people know when you want to stress something important or talk about a different subject? Use as many fonts as possible to show people you’re serious about being an amateur.
4. The 90′s Were Right.
You know what I’m talking about – grunge music, Vanilla Ice, and square websites centered on your screen. Fear not the era of modern design, technology and functionality. Your website was awesome 20 years ago, and like fine wine, only gets better with age. So keep your website just the way it is, with its limited square area, obnoxiously-colored browser background, beveled buttons, and “Ice Ice Baby” playing in the background.
5. Don’t Clearly State What Your Company Does.
It’s no secret that people like games. If you make something too easy for a person, they won’t feel like they earned it. This is why you should bury the real purpose of your website underneath paragraphs of nonsense and images that don’t actually have anything to do with your business. The user may claim to have visited your website to access information about your company, but you know better. You know what they really wanted was to be horribly confused and dig through 10 layers of content before finding what they needed.
6. Flash, Flash, And More Flash.
Seriously, how cool is Flash? Forget that fact that it can’t be optimized for search or viewed on an iPhone, look at those cool effects! Who cares if people won’t be able to find your flash website because Google can’t read it; the lucky few that see it will be super impressed. Oh, and smart phones are just a fad so don’t bother planning around them. Who cares if more people own a smart phone than a tooth brush (seriously).
7. Overload Your Site With Keywords
Look at you go! You’ve clearly embraced the idea of search engine optimization, as evidenced by the blatant insertion of keywords into your web copy with utter disregard for the user experience (or Google standards). While you’re at it, you should copy and paste your keywords a thousand times in the same color as your background so no one sees them, but Google thinks your site is super-optimized.
So here’s to you, horrible website owner. Don’t let the naysayers get you down with all their talk of ”social media” and “the digital age”. You just hold fast, and remember – the internet is just a phase.
If, however, you’d rather not follow these 7 steps to deterring business, we’re here to help.